Some weeks we just feel things

 It is 3:30 PM on a Friday afternoon.  I am almost 4 hours behind my self imposed deadline.  Everything seems to take longer these days. Productivity ebbs more than its flows and my self judgment is unrelenting.

    Yesterday, I capitulated.  I couldn't sit in the office any longer and not get more done. I opened the garage and took the boat to the lake for a few hours. I ran up river, then down. I stopped to fish but the fishing was no more productive than my work outputs.  I felt guilty.  Perhaps, I thought, tomorrow would be better.

     It was the same. A few emails, a couple of conversations with clients, a check on the markets, a walk with the dog, some excuses and here I am, still trying to do what I should have, would have, done by now under normal circumstances.

    For the first two months of this ordeal, I powered through.  Work was more demanding than ever.  Staying at home was not a problem.  I work at home, worship at home, and most of the time I recreate at home. There was actually a brief period where I convinced myself that I am uniquely situated for this.  I have a job, my wife has a job, my kids seem happy. I felt guilty.

    As the markets fell through the moon roof in March, I saw not only my investments plummet, I realized our revenue was threatened.  Not immediately but definitely uncertain. I looked at the Economic Disaster Loans from the Small Business Administration, I spoke with my accountant about the Paycheck Protection Program passed by Congress. The thought of reducing pay to my staff or myself scared me. I am building a house after all.  I applied for the PPP, eventually, I was approved. I thought of those who needs were necessary where mine were only uncertain, and I felt guilty.  I withdrew my application.

“Emotions should be acknowledged but not always acted upon. It is true for our finances and it is true for life.”

    We had a staff meeting.  We discussed investment philosophy.  Our retirees are fine, we had locked in their income needs for a few years already, but what about the rest of the investments.  April brought economic numbers that horrified. Investments in April rallied.  What should we be doing we discussed.  I didn't know.  I don't know.  I feel guilty.

      I am a planner. I don't believe in certainty, the future in not guaranteed, nor it is knowable. I work to create financial flexibility not forecasts.  So why, I can not tell you, should I feel guilty about not knowing what the future holds?  I suppose it is because, some days, you just feel things and what I have felt more than anything else is guilt.

      Guilt for not getting more done.

    Guilt for having more than others.

    Guilt for not knowing what to do.

    Guilt for being healthy when so, so many people are getting sick.

    This has not been a bad week, and I don't require your sympathy. What this week has been however, was a week when I have felt things. I let the uncertainty of the moment get to me.

     Emotions should be acknowledged but not always acted upon. It is true for our finances and it is true for life.  I lost my focus this week and allowed guilt take the place of gratitude. I will not, however, let that persist, because I want to live my life in a state of gratefulness.  So I will end this work week with this.

     I am grateful for respite, even when it is uninvited.

    I am grateful my abundance and will seek to be generous with it.

    I am grateful for humility and being free from the burden of being all knowing.

    I am grateful for my health and the health of my family. 

    I am grateful for you and your willingness to care enough to read this far.